My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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