i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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