After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
