Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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