highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
