I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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