dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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