I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
