I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
