i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
