What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
