Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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