you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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