let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
BRING THE BAGELS
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
