my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
