my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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