is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
