im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
