Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
