I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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