I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
