I smell stomach acid.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
