I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
