i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
please come you make the beer taste better
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
