we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
