what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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