Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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