I think my fart just growled at me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
