remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
