You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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