I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
