got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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