I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
