I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
