you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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