Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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