"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
