I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
