I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
