You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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