Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
