I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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