I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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