sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I can't put those talents on a resume
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
