Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
