I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
