I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
