He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
