just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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