You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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