Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
