I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
