Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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