Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
