Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
